This afternoon my mom and I made the road trip to Sherman to visit my nutritionist. I got there and when he came into the office he asked how things were and we went through our normal, “are you really good or are you just saying that?” I said “Well…maybe…I don’t know.” I love how I can’t even admit these struggles and frustrations with the man who is trying to help me. I finally admitted; “I have been putting on weight, and I am now bigger than I have been since 2008 – like, I wake up and am not sure if my pants are going to fit in the morning.” Whew, I said it. It is easier to say to my friend and my mother than a man who I don’t really know but is trying to work on my health. Makes sense, right? No, I didn’t think so either.
Anywho – He originally said he thought my thyroid could be “acting up” then when we talked a bit about my water retention he said that it was due to my hormones getting back in balance. Then he said the weight would come right off, because it wasn’t “real weight” (great!) …in a few months.
“MONTHS?!” I said. “What is this nonsense, months?!” I was half joking half being serious, I wasn’t really yelling or acting mad.
He looked at me and said, “How long have you had a hormone imbalance?”
“…a few years.” I replied.
“Right, so you can handle a few months. It will be off by summer, and you can wear your sweatshirts until then.” (I had made a comment about my sweatshirt that I was currently wearing as part of my regular uniform.)
Ok, ok. I can handle a few months of increased weight; it isn’t the end of the world. I would be fine with it if my clothes would grow with me. That is what causes me the most discomfort, the way my clothes currently fit. The ones that used to hang off of me in the past.
I am currently reading “Life Inside the “Thin Cage”” and I am really enjoying it. I am seeing things in my past that I used to do and am now realizing how unhealthy those thoughts and feelings were. I am a work in progress on my way to a better view of my body and health; this is one small hill that I must get past. I must learn to accept and love my body no matter what the size. It is the only one I have and it is strong; I can run, lift heavy things, you know…the necessities. Regardless of my size I can love, laugh, share with others, and have a smile on my face the whole time because of how blessed I truly am. I let my struggle with my weight get me down for a bit and remember how silly it truly is.
“The king is enthralled with your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord.” Psalm 45:11
“Charm is deceptive, beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” Proverbs 31:30
“But the Lord said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”” 1 Samuel 16:7
Lord, I pray that I see through your eyes and see what you see.
I will have struggles and setbacks as I go through my journey, but He is there the whole time. Walking with me and supporting me through it all. Am I super happy about the weight gain? No. Does it affect who I am as a person or my worth? Not a chance. I am more than my waist size or numbers on a scale. I am a work in progress, on the road to health.