Little by Little

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Well, I did one of the things that I set out to do a few weeks ago – I bought a new laptop. I never found that missing post that I had written, too bad too, I’m sure it was the best one yet. Ha! I bought a refurbished Asus laptop from http://www.woot.com and so far so good, I am still getting used to Windows 8 (and adding links into the page, please forgive me) but I like it so far.
Last weekend I had a 5 day weekend, and it was fantastic. I didn’t do anything too exciting, just chilled and spent some time at my parents’ casa since my sister and her boyfriend came in. We had some pool time and grilling some good food, just what Labor Day called for. I had last Friday off so I went by the doctor’s office to drop off my adrenal saliva samples that I had…and found out two things that would have been REALLY good to know before I completed them.
1. The samples must be brought in within 48 hours of taking them
2. They cannot ship anything out on a Friday because no one will be in the office they are sent to on Friday to receive them.
So, I will have to redo them and send them off. Wonderful. O! and 3: it takes 14 BUSINESS days to get the results back, so basically 3 weeks from the time I send them out to get the results. Ugh.
I really just want to know what is going on, I go back to the doctor on Tuesday to hear the results from all of the blood work that she had done. I am hoping we get some sort of picture of what could be the cause of what is going on. Stressing out and worrying about it doesn’t do me any good though, the results will be the same whether or not I fret over it so I will choose to do my best to not worry about it.

During the break I watched a documentary that helped me realize what I had fallen into. I watched Miss Representation, a documentary about how media is shaping our culture and the effects it is having on our society. I am embarrassed to say that I bought the lie – I thought that I would be better and happier if I were smaller. I tried so hard to be a smaller size, and as I got smaller and smaller I strived harder to reach an arbitrary number on the scale that I thought would mean I was good. If I could reach my goal weight it would seem as though I had my life together and things would be better. I never reached that goal weight, I was a size zero, and not much changed. Except my clothing size.
So, when I began to put the weight back on, I began to get very frustrated. I felt as though I had failed at something and people would notice. I made sure to eat as good as I possibly could and tried different protocols, but with no results. I have written several posts on this, so I won’t rehash all of it here. This prompted me to really look at what I was striving for, why did it matter to me? Who does Christ say that I am, what matters to Him? Not my size, not my physical appearance. But I was being consumed by the things of the world, I was constantly being told that to be smaller was to be happier. I didn’t realize how much we are told this until watching the documentary. I had to stop watching E! and reading People magazine several years ago because of the effect it had on me and I cancelled my cable in June. These things have helped me stay out of some of the junk that we are told about how we should be, and last weekend I really had a shift. How many advertisements, TV shows, or movies have a strong woman who isn’t scantily clad or whose goal in life is to find a man to make her happy? Nonsense. I realized that I had fallen into the lie, even as a female mechanical engineer (I am part of 5% of the mechanical engineering community)
Anywho, the point of that story was to say this: I went to Dallas last weekend to get some new jeans and I bought a larger size (I had tried on 3 sizes that were too big for me…which shows I have a skewed view of my body…) but I didn’t beat myself up about the size. I really don’t care about my jean size anymore. Unfortunately, I still fall back into old habits and get frustrated and down but have learned to ask myself “why?” Women are SO much more than that, I am so much more than that. It is time to really rise above the junk that we are sold continuously and focus on the truth. When you see advertisements, look at the female and figure out what they are really saying. What are the marketers using to sell their product? I have seen smart female friends post on Facebook things about “get into shape to have more confidence in your holiday dress at parties” How about “Learn to love yourself just as you are right now and have more confidence in anything you wear” Don’t buy the lie the media is trying to sell, it will just steal your joy.
OK, end rant.

Today, a group is beginning to study “Gods at War”, which I am really excited to start. I know I struggle with idolatry of things of the world that do not fill. I am working through those little by little to break free of those chains that keep us down and prevent us from living the joy-filled life He has planned for us. Last weekend another link was broken, I am pressing forward with Him leading the way.

I would add the link to the text if I could, I’ll work on that. Here is the site for the documentary, go help make a difference! http://www.missrepresentation.org/

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2 Replies to “Little by Little”

  1. I’m a new reader! Looks like we struggle with similar things, I too use to have a skewed understanding of weight, thinking it would make me happier to be a size 2, but realizing that its so easy to become obsessed and sucked into this idea that losing weight will make us happier and what not, when really only Christ can fill us with true joy and happiness. A few years ago I also got rid of a lot of media that I realized was affecting me in a negative way, I look forward to watching that documentary!

    1. I am glad to hear you got out of the downward spiral and learned that it is only Christ that can fill! It took me a bit, but I got there!
      The documentary has some language that I do not agree with, but made great points. I hope you enjoy it.

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